A Painful Second Anniversary…

I woke up Thursday morning of last week with a cloud of dread over my head like a college student on the first day of final exams. I had chemo later that morning, and as I have said before I simply abhor chemo, I hate it, it sucks. And as usual I started my day with my typical routine; coughing until my lungs felt like they were going to explode, blowing massive amounts of mucus out of my nose (hey I know it’s gross but it’s my world, eh?), and feeling like a truck had hit me only 20 minutes into my day. After my coughing fit I sat down and noticed a strike of pain in my left rib cage. I blew it off as yet another pain (more on pain later in this post) and struggled to get up and start moving. Later that morning during chemo I noticed the pain had increased noticeably, and a muscle spasm had erupted in my left shoulder. The chemo nurse kept asking me if I was okay, given the constant grimace on my face. “I’m okay, just a little muscle pain” was my response. Fast forward to about 10:30 Thursday evening. The pain had become unbearable. Every breath I took felt like a knife was stabbing me in the ribs. Any movement caused both my ribs and my shoulder to explode with pain. I couldn’t sit, stand, or lay down to ease the pain. So….off we go once again to the Emergency room at our local hospital. By the time we got there I was doubled over in pain while sitting in a wheelchair. Long story short, they did x-rays and a chest CT scan on me and found no broken ribs or blood clots. Good news, but the pain persisted. They sent me home at 5AM with some drugs and a wish for good luck and feel better soon. Whatever.

Two years ago last Saturday was my second anniversary for my colectomy surgery. At that time, I had absolutely no clue what the future had in store for me. The recovery time in the hospital was by far the most painful experience of my life (see some of the first posts below). Little did I know what I was going to endure for a solid two years – pain, and a lot of it. I have literally lived with pain for 730+ days and counting. On a scale of one to ten, ten being the worst pain, my typical days are a 3-5 on the scale. Annoying little pains to moderate pains that slow you down. Then there are the 90-120 day stretches where my ­daily pain index is a 7-10. I hurt everywhere. Why? Chemo. It ravages the body, killing everything in its path. The problem is it kills the good stuff too. To give you an example, for a few days after chemo it hurts my mouth and lips to simply brush my teeth. The toothpaste burns. Last night we ordered pizza, and a single slice of pepperoni pizza set my mouth and stomach on fire. Dammit, I hate chemo. My little adventure last week was definitely a 10+ on the pain scale, and it lasted for days non-stop. There are times when the pain is so bad that I find myself talking to God, asking Him to please end the pain and suffering and simply take me home. As I have documented many times in the past, I don’t want to die but there are times when death seems like a better alternative than what I’m going through at the time. Be careful to pass judgment on me; until you have walked in my shoes you really don’t know what it is like to endure this wicked journey. Faith pulls me through again and again.

Well, I’ve been up since 5AM this morning due to pain, of course. It’s now 6:40 and time to get the kids up and start a new day. I am thankful that I can share this journey with so many of you, and to all of you that keep asking – yes, a book is in the works. I guess all I have to do is copy and paste my blog! Godspeed to you all.
Till next time, Brian…