A time of reflection…

Hello once again to everyone in virtual Bloggerville. I know it’s been a long time since my last update; there are good reasons behind this, read on for the details.

If you will recall, I came home from Houston on Halloween, October 31st. Ever since then I have felt worse than I ever have during this whole ordeal. Is this attributed to the clinical drug I was on? Who knows, but I can tell you this – for over 2 months now I have simply felt bad. No energy plus the garden variety of side affects from chemo has me feeling like I’ve been hit by the “train of feeling no good”. I’m not used to feeling this way. I’m not productive, I certainly can’t do anything physical because I simply do not have the strength and I’m terribly out of shape. I ended up in the hospital right before Christmas, and until recently I really didn’t know the severity of my condition back in December. My white blood cell count was down to 0.7; 3.0 is the low end of acceptable. Anything below 3 is not good. Your body cannot fight off the bad bacteria and it puts you at great risk for infection or even worse. Some of you may wonder “how in the world could you not realize the severity of your situation?” Understand, when I walked into the cancer center the day they admitted me into the hospital, I could barely walk and I refused a wheelchair because of stubborn pride or whatever. I was almost completely out of it. When the nurses saw my lab results they started talking with great motivation and followed every sentence with STAT. I was not in good shape.

The new year brought hopes of a new start. Then the news of another loss to cancer started working on my brain. Benny Parsons, a former NASCAR driver turned announcer, lost his life to cancer. BP was diagnosed last summer with lung cancer, a terribly aggressive form of cancer. He maintained nothing but pure optimism during his battle with cancer, and vowed to come back cured and ready for the 2007 season. He was actually told he was cured in the fall, only to have problems in the non-cancerous lung pop up a month or two later. He was put into a coma the day after Christmas and died a couple of weeks later. I didn’t know Benny personally, but as a fellow cancer patient you feel like you know the person intimately regarding their battle. Then your brain starts the deadly process of analyzing your own condition; how am I? Worse? Better? Which way do I feel I’m going? Worse? Better? How much time do I have left to live? This ends up becoming a battle between concern and reality, and there is no winner.

The death of Benny Parsons was followed last week with the untimely and sudden death of a former co-worker who was only 50 years old. Tom Zaliagaris was a star basketball player under Dean Smith at UNC back in the mid and late 70’s. He went on to a very successful career in the furniture industry, where we got to know each other. Tom was a charismatic type; he could walk into a room and command attention. His tall stature and handsome good looks made heads turn. The truth be told, Tom was just another guy that you really enjoyed being around. Anyhow, he started feeling bad a couple of Saturday’s ago and long story short he was dead by Monday morning. A staph infection had taken over his body and simply killed him in a quick and staggering manner. Ironically, his cause of death was identical to what killed my mother-in-law some 10 or 12 years ago. She was about the same age as Zal and her death was just as sudden and unexpected. Painful stuff.

So, I go thru the brain battle once again. Is the cancer going to kill me? If not, the chemo damn sure will all kidding aside. How much time do I have left? Stop it; there is no winner in this game, period. But – when you have cancer these questions tend to raise their ugly head more often than not. Not matter how optimistic I am, the reality of the situation is I have cancer and I may die from it – soon. Going back to my opening comments, I haven’t felt well in a long time. I tend to benchmark how I feel today versus how I felt a year ago. This time last year I was feeling GREAT. I had energy, I could do a fair amount of physical activities, and I was optimistic about my prognosis. Now, today, I’m not doing as well as I was a year ago. Does this mean I’m slowly slipping into the grave? Dammit, I just don’t know and THAT is the rub of the whole situation. Uncertainty due to the inability to see into the future equals frustration (or even worse for some folks). Cancer sucks.

As I contemplate my situation, I’m beginning to realize my viewpoint on death is ever changing and evolving. For many people, death equals terrible fear. As for me, I don’t fear death anymore. I don’t want to die, but if God determines that my time is up I’m going home to heaven and I will enjoy eternity in a perfect world. I think a lot about heaven - pure, vivid colors unknown to those of us on earth; a place where the streets are paved with gold; a place where there is no suffering, no pain, no disease, no fear, no anxiety, no sin. When you look at the afterlife in this light, you begin to think “why do I not want to go to heaven, now!?” Obviously there are good reasons; a wife and kids, an extended family, friends, you name it. I have the love and support of so many people around me that I cannot even begin to explain it. For this I am eternally grateful, I am blessed. But then I begin to think once again about my situation. Not only have I felt bad for months, I endure physical pain on a daily basis. Some days it’s manageable. On other days the pain is so severe that I can’t even function. The details on the source of the pain isn’t important. The fact is pain is almost as bad as chemo, they must be twin brothers born from a mean ugly mother. Pain wears you down physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Sometimes I sit with my head in my hands, thinking it can’t get any worse. Then it does get worse, or a whole new problem erupts and slaps me against the face once again. How do you describe this? It isn’t a roller coaster. It’s a constant. Some nights I can’t sleep. Some days I can’t get out of bed. Then there are days where I wake up feeling well, go to work, and get hit by the “pain bus” at some point in the day. When the bus hits you, you’re done - period. The question is how long do I have to drive to get back home? If I’m an hour and a half away from home, I in serious trouble. The really tough part of this whole scenario is that I have been in pain for a solid two months now. I’m not talking about paper cuts or a mouth sore. Unfortunately, it is much more severe. Cancer sucks.

So out of all this, where I am at right now? Easy answer. This Sunday in church our pastor delivered a sermon that really caught my attention. The sermon was based on James chapter 2, Faith and Deeds. Verse 24 reads “You see that a person is justified by what he does and not by faith alone”. This was the verse in the entire sermon that hit me hard. I’ve always told people my faith is strong, I believe God has a plan for me and it’s big. But when I read verse 24, I realized my actions are where God is testing me. What do I mean by this? PMA – Positive Mental Attitude. I have to maintain focus on being a faithful steward of the Lord’s word, and I need to do so in an uplifting and motivated manner. Is this tough to do when you feel like crap from chemo? Damn right it is. But guess what – you have to dig down deep inside and find that thread of hope that will pull you through the situation you are in at the moment – me included. We all have to maintain hope or we become desperate and out of control. Saying you have faith is hogwash unless you back it up with action. Something to think about.

Well, it’s time for a big bowl of fattening ice cream and then off to bed. Hey, I have to gain some of the weight I have lost over the last 2+ months, so ice cream late at night is the cure. Till next time, Brian…