Another sleepless night….

It is now 1:30AM and I have been trying to fall asleep for over two hours now. Believe it or not, when I got to bed each night I “write” in my mind. I have so much information stored up in my brain that it would fill hundreds of pages of text. I will be grateful for the day that all of it gets put into this laptop and out of my brain. I would be so lucky.

Today was, unfortunately, another bombshell day for yours truly. To be honest, I have had this feeling in my gut for a couple of weeks that tells me things are not going as planned, or at least not as hoped. Very rarely is my gut wrong, and almost always is my gut dead on. After waiting close to three hours for my oncologist to show up for my schedule appointment, she walked into the room with four other doctors, none of which I recognized. This was my first clue that something was amiss. After the gratuitous “how are you feeling” questions she told me my latest PET scan showed the cancer continues to spread and they are going to have to take me off the clinical trial immediately. Dammit. What is it going to take to get a thread of good news? She went on to explain the details of the PET scan, none of which I can recall. I was once again uncomfortably numb. She paused for a moment, and then went on to explain that another clinical trial is available for me to participate in. “What are my options” was my next question. “This is it” was basically her response. I got that all too familiar feeling of a balloon slowly loosing its air, like the life is being sucked out of me one breath at a time. To even attempt to describe the feeling is difficult. Depression, shock, hurt? Yes. Anger, fear, anxiety? No, not really. I guess this is God’s way of giving me a little peace in the midst of a fierce storm. I actually just thought of what it feels like to have one of these little “meetings” with the doctor. It feels like you are walking down the street, and you have this uneasy feeling that something isn’t right. The next thing you know – WHAM! – you just got smacked square in the face with a 2x4. You loose your sense of where you are, what you are doing, just what in the hell is going on? This lasts for about a second or two and then reality kicks back in again and you realize you are in one of those “this could be it” conversations. Man, I tell you what, this stuff is exhausting at best. I can only take one of these every six months; unfortunately they are happening more and more often.

I don’t really remember walking back to my car, which was parked almost a half a mile away from the cancer center. I recall little of the drive back to the hotel. Again, the severity of the news sent me into this mind numbing funk that you just don’t want to ever have to witness much less live through. But something snapped in my brain as I was walking up the steps to my hotel room. “If I have (x) months to live, then I’m going to live it to the fullest and I’m going to be thankful for every minute of it.” I quickly realized I cannot mope around in this self inflicted haze and start the “why me” crap. Look, I have been blessed beyond compare. I have a wife and two beautiful daughters. I have a family that loves me and I thank God every day for them. I have great friends who have stepped up to the plate to help me and my family in our time of need. I have an employer that has continued to support me even though I haven’t worked full time in a year and a half. I have a church that prays for me and my family, a church that offers spiritual help that we need so much. To walk around saying “why me” would be a slap in the face to all of those that have prayed for me, that have helped me, that have lifted me up in my times of need. God has blessed me in ways that I still don’t fully understand. That is the wonderful thing about God; HE is in control, not me or you or my doctors or whomever. How can you complain about that?!? I pray several times a day. I pray when I wake up in the morning before I even get out of bed. I pray before every meal. I pray at bedtime each night. I also pray during random times throughout the day. Do you know what I ask for when I pray? Three things – peace, grace, and mercy. I ask God for peace during the moments of challenge, like today. I ask God for grace, for His blessing over me that I will conduct myself in a way that will make others ask themselves “how can he be that optimistic and be staring death in the eye?” And finally I ask Him for mercy. I ask Him to lift up and carry this tired, worn out, and sometimes troubled soul. How awesome is it to have someone to turn to, when you most need it, and have that someone to always be there to help you, to hold you, to comfort you. Amen.

Well, I could go on and on. There is so much I have to say and so little time. I must get to bed as it’s now pushing 2:30AM and I have a flight back home tomorrow (actually today since it’s already past midnight). I will be home for about a week and a half then I’m back out in Houston for another 2 weeks or so. I should have more details on the new clinical trial later this week, so check back soon.

Till next time, B...