Monday, October 02, 2006

Another Monday, another airport….

Its 5:20AM Monday morning, and for the third Monday in a row I’m sitting in an airport while most of the sane world is sleeping. Treatment #2 starts at noon today in Houston and after an overnight stay at the airport Marriott, I’m flying back home Tuesday morning. Then its home for 12 days and back to Houston for at least 3 weeks. If all goes well, I will get my last treatment as a clinical participant on November 13. If the tumors have stabilized or reduced in size, then I will return to Houston every 2 weeks for treatment. I welcome the opportunity to make many return trips here, as long as it keeps me alive. I did some quick math today, and I have spent 33 days in a hotel in the last 37 days. I have traveled over 8,000 nautical miles by private and commercial aircraft, and I have spent over $5,000. Which brings up another opportunity to say THANK YOU to so many of you that have donated money, time, airline miles and tickets, hotel points; you name it. I really haven’t had to pay for an airfare yet. Between Corporate Angel Network (flying for free on private jets) and donated commercial airfare, I have only had to pay $76 for a USAirways “buddy pass” and that was a last minute life saver to get me back home the weekend Brookie had surgery (thanks to Gary and Margaret!). Again, thank you so much, you know who you are…

Not too much to update from the last blog entry. This nagging cough just will not let go. The suspicion is the cancerous nodules in my lungs are causing irritation and thus the cough. Fatigue has been another factor, but sleep easily wipes out this problem at least for a little while.

Actually, there is an update from my last post. Brookie came home last Monday following her surgery Saturday for an emergency appendectomy. She is doing just fine after spending last week at home. In her words she was “bor-ded”…this is how she pronounces “bored”. The kid ain’t all there….

The weekend was another quick one with family, but it was a great one. We drove to Hickory Friday evening and spent the night at my parent’s house. My alma mater, Appalachian State, had their homecoming over the weekend so we zipped up the mountain to Boone Friday evening for the bonfire and fireworks. I can’t believe it’s been over 20 years since I graduated from App. On top of that, Breanne is a senior in high school and is considering App for college. Yikes, am I getting old or what?!? We drove back up the mountain Saturday morning to tailgate with friends, and enjoy the festivities of the day. Kimberly and I both love going to the mountains, so we jump at the chance any time we get it.

The cough and fatigue have shifted my thoughts back to the inevitable for all of us. It’s funny how I can go for weeks and not even think about death, then go thru periods such as lately and think about death often. It’s not an anxiety laced thought process, but instead an examination of what to expect if things take a turn for the worse. Is the cough an early indicator of a worsening condition, one that will eventually lead to my passing on? Will this happen soon, in the next six months? What will it be like when that time comes? Will it be painful and agonizing? Will I go slowly? What does it look like, what does it feel like? Thoughts like this simply create more questions, and in the “I want it now” society we live in we expect answers NOW. Unfortunately, there are no answers to these questions until we experience it personally. What is a person to do? Actually there IS an answer to that question…fully rely on God (FROG). A former co-worker and friend of mine gave me a little silver frog recently with a card of encouragement. My kids first shared the FROG saying with me some time ago, and when I opened the package from my friend I smiled and knew exactly what the tiny medallion meant. When things are going your way, you need to praise God. When you are being challenged by life, you need to seek God; fully rely on God. Times like this test my faith. It is an internal battle that is fought on a daily basis. Seek God, trust God, keep the faith. I must continue this internal dialogue so I don’t go crazy. On a lighter note, have you ever thought what you want as your epitaph? I’ve got mine picked out, and it is as atypical as you would expect from me. I’m not sharing it until the time comes, so you will just have to wait (ha, ha, ha).

Fast forward to 8:30PM Monday evening. I had treatment #2 today and it went off without a hitch. There was some concern that my white cell counts were too low, but they came in just over the acceptable threshold. I was able to talk to the physicians assistant today about my cough. “There is a lot of disease in your lungs” was her statement, and she winced when she said it. “I understand” was my response. The honest truth is this clinical drug needs to do some magic on my cancer, otherwise I have just about run out of options. It is so wildly ironic; I’m in the waiting area today and there are people all around me, dozens of them, with masks over their faces to filter out any germs they may inhale. They too are battling this insidious disease, but unlike me they show signs of the war. Me, I’m standing in the corner trying to avoid contact with others, and I look fine. Man is cancer deceptive.

The fatigue is a side affect of the clinical drug according to the research nurse. I will take fatigue over just about any other side affect. Feeling sick for days on end is simply gut wrenching, and for once in my treatment life I can actually function after a treatment. Thank God for the little things.

Till next time, B…

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