A call for prayer…

Another call for prayer; why you may ask? Allow me to explain.

About a week ago I was faced with a rather strong paradox, a dilemma that I have been struggling with for some time now. Last Thursday I was supposed to go in for my routine treatment. It has been 4 weeks since my last treatment due to our vacation last week. The cancer is continuing to spread and I’m not feeling any better. If anything, I feel worse – much worse. The combination of the cancer, the chemo, and all the drugs I take has my body feeling like a train wreck. Fatigue, pain, lack of appetite, loss of weight – you name it, I’m struggling with it. I continue to benchmark my current condition against where I was 6 months to a year ago. Six months ago I had just returned from Houston and I was dreadfully depressed but I wasn’t as bad as I am now. A year ago I was rather fat and happy (and I mean fat literally; I have since lost 30+ pounds). Today I look at myself in the mirror and it scares me. My cheeks are shallow and my body in dangerously below a normal weight. Even when I do eat a bunch of carbs and fat, I don’t gain any weight. I am a mess, simply put.

Anyhow, I have debated what I should do about treatment for over a month now. My first thoughts back in March were “I’m taking the entire month of April off (from treatment). We have family vacation Easter week, a golf trip to Florida 2 weeks after that, and I want to spend some time with my brothers on the golf course in Hickory soon thereafter.” Plus, my body simply needed a break from chemo. The cumulative affects on the body are not pretty. Then the thought of my ever-progressing cancer pops into my brain and I quickly realize that even though the chemo is not eradicating the cancer it may be holding the cancer at bay, keeping it from spreading like wild fire. I feel like I am slowly slipping into an abyss. The cancer is winning the battle and the way it looks right now I am losing the war. Before you tell me “keep your chin up and keep fighting” you must consider my condition. There are days that I can barely get out of bed. The combination of the fatigue and the pain can really take the fight out of me. I can’t take a deep breath anymore because the cancer has invaded the entire lower area of my lungs. I have these coughing fits 2 or 3 times a day that make me feel like I’m going to die right then and there. I feel like I’m in the middle of a field with snipers all around me; I can’t escape and they keep firing at me at will. Sometimes I want to just lie down and have the Lord take me home. Believe me, it is that tough.

There is also another twist in the story. I have just been given an appointment to visit an oncologist at Sloan Kettering in New York City. I’ve been considering this for some time now, and I finally put the ball in motion back in March. My current treatment cocktail is not cutting it. This is where the paradox came from over a month ago. Do I continue doing the same thing and feeling like crap, or do I stop treatment altogether and try to get a second opinion? The latter statement came to fruition when I finally got through all the red tape and insurance mess to get an appointment at Sloan Kettering. The appointment will last 1-2 hours and will thoroughly go through my entire treatment regimen, my current condition, and possible changes we can make to future treatments. OR – do I quit chemo completely and live out the rest of my life feeling better than I do now? Man what a dilemma. The way I feel right now, there is no way I will be alive 2 years from now. I know that sounds harsh, but the reality of the situation is I don’t have a long time to live given my current condition and the steady progression of my cancer.

So, I ask that you pray for God’s will. I ask that pray for His peace, grace, and mercy for my family and me as we continue to face the decisions of a lifetime. I am not nervous or anxious. I don’t fear my situation or the possibility of dying. But I am concerned about the affects my death will have on my family. No one wants to lose a loved one.

Godspeed to you all. Till next time, Brian…