Give me some oxygen, PLEASE….

Well, it has taken a couple of weeks to write this post. The emotions and the tears flowed heavily after my trip to Sloan Kettering. And I also had this cloud of fear constantly over my head. What was the fear about? Telling my kids that I do in fact only have a short time to live. I feared they would break down crying. I imagined them taking the news in a very bad way. Boy was I wrong. Kids are so resilient, plus we have been very open about my prognosis. Both of them had a yes I know response. Both of them understand exactly what is going on and that my time with them is limited. We have worked hard to give our kids the gift of salvation and to know the Lord. Man is it paying off big time.

The outpouring of response from my Preparing to Die post has been overwhelming. I haven’t been able to respond to everyone yet. My lung capacity continues to shrink, making simple conversation a difficult chore. Thank goodness for email and this blog. It is so easy to communicate with everyone via the written word versus having a conversation. This brings me to my next update. My physical ability is so limited now. How so? Walking up a flight of stairs is darn near impossible. I now have to sit on the bottom step, with my back facing the steps, and “rear end” my way up the stairs over a two or three minute process. Walk outside to get the newspaper? Thank goodness my driveway is only about 50 feet long. Run around the house terrorizing the dogs while everyone else laughs? No more. Go hiking with Brookie in the mountains. Unfortunately, those days are gone. Play a round of golf with friends? Never again. This has been one of the difficult mental obstacles to overcome. I have so much time on my hands now, so I tend to sit and think about all the fun stuff I have done in my life. Brooke and I love to go hiking. It is classic daddy/daughter time, plus we both love nature and the outdoors. I can’t do that anymore. Dammit, that thought makes me very angry and sad at the same time. I am being robbed of my ability to enjoy my family. That’s not fair! BINGO! Poor, pitiful me. You selfish idiot. Why can’t you relish the fact that you WERE able to enjoy these things in your life? Do you not understand there are some people who will never go hiking, who will never see a beautiful mountain stream, and never be able to enjoy God’s wonders? Sometimes I feel so stupid. I really do have to work on getting away from the selfish junk and being thankful that God has blessed me in so many ways. The reality angel that sits on my right shoulder can really give it to me sometimes.

Another mental obstacle that I have finally succumbed to is the fact that I need a wheelchair to get around. Truth be told, I simply cannot walk more than 50 feet without getting winded. The wheelchair makes it so much easier to get around, plus it’s a real snazzy new model. Lot’s of bling,ya know? I also got a handicapped placard for my Suburban. Although I may not live to be 90 years old, I sure do feel like it now! I’m also very dependent on oxygen. When your oxygen content in the bloodstream gets below 90% you become oxygen starved. This causes panic, anxiety, disorientation, restlessness, shakyness in my speech, etc. When this happens, I feel like a fish out of water. Panic is the first thing to set in, and then I realize I can’t do anything to help myself. This turns into a very precarious situation resulting in a panicked frenzy. Kimberly will get the oxygen machine turned on and puts the tubing in my nostrils. Then she sets up the morphine nebulizer. Ah yes, the morphine nebulizer. It’s a little machine that takes small amounts of morphine and saline and turns them into a mist, which is then inhaled through a pipe. This is starting to sound like illegal drug activity, eh?!? The morphine calms down the lungs by changing the way it processes oxygen. Simply put, it helps me to breath once again. Lately I have been taking 3-4 morphine treatments a day. The events leading up to the treatments tend to be very frenzied to say the least. Never a dull moment.

I am amazed at how quickly my health is deteriorating. To give you an example, I went to Florida to play golf with some buddies of mine just one month ago. Today, that trip would be impossible. My goal now is to make it to July. We have a family vacation scheduled in June to visit the Hard Rock Hotel in Orlando once again. We love the Hard Rock and we get the rock star treatment every time we go there due to the fact we have gotten to know so many people on staff. Fun stuff and great memories.

I visited the onc this week because one of the hospice nurses thought I have fluid in my lungs. This is not good because it can lead to pneumonia. So my onc called me in for a chest x-ray. There is no fluid, so that’s good news. But man if you could see the x-ray. My lungs are littered with cancerous spots that show up white on the film. How am I even breathing at all? After Kimberly and I left the cancer center, she mentioned am I okay with my decision not to continue chemo. I guess the chemo was keeping the cancer from growing too fast was her comment. It’s funny, I’ve had a lot of advice and opinions from a lot of people on what I should do. Very few are in line with what I have chosen. Allow me to explain. When I was diagnosed with cancer, I made a conscious decision to give everything to God; all my pain, my cancer, my suffering, everything. In return I agreed to be a faithful servant to the Lord and glorify him in all I do. When people offer up their ideas of ways to help “cure” my cancer, I simply smile. Most think I am crazy for not taking their advice. What they don’t understand is I remain steadfast and faithful to my God. He has a plan for me. He has revealed that plan to me over time. He has blessed me in ways I simply cannot comprehend or try to explain. Psalm 55:22 is the best way to explain how I feel.

Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall.

Don’t get me wrong. I appreciate the comments and suggestions of others. It shows compassion and goodwill. I am forever indebted to those who have done so much for me and my family and continue to offer help and assistance. As for me though, I chose to cast my cares on the Lord.

Till next time, Brian….