Mixed results...

These were the words from one of my treatment nurses, after we received the latest scan results (which has been several weeks ago; your's truly has failed to muster up the motivation to update my blog for 2 months!) "Mixed" in that the 2 lympth nodes that are enlarged due to cancer have shrunk somewhat, but now they are showing spots on my lungs. The spots are too small to "needle" (biopsy), and they aren't sure if the spots are cancerous, benign, scar tissue, etc. I've taken the info with a grain of salt and I'm simply moving forward, one day at a time.

Today has been a difficult day. I woke up this morning and literally said "this is going to be an AWESOME day". That feeling was soon squelched due to some sad news. A fellow sales rep in our industry, Craig Newbie, passed away Monday morning at 2AM. Craig was 54, and found out he had cancer earlier this year. The last I heard several months ago was that he was doing great and was recovering just fine. Little did I know that his cancer came back and took him quickly. The news brought back the agonizing feelings of when I first found out about my cancer, and the ultimate fear of the unknown. I vividly remember May 9 of this year. It was a day when my liver enzyemes were going haywire and the doctors didn't know what to tell me. As I sat outside of the cancer center the thought crossed my mind "Is this the last May 9th I'm going to see? Am I going to make it another year? Month? Day?" It was a sobering experience, I can tell you that. Painful thoughts....

The last 2 months have brought about many changes. My chemo cocktails have been revised. One of the targeted therapy drugs was causing some major neuropathy problems. Anything cold to the touch or the tongue felt like I was being stabbed by a thousand needles. A cold beverage was simply impossible to drink. It felt like drinking a cup full of broken glass. My hands and feet felt the same when the cool air from the air conditioning in our home was on. I had to wears gloves and socks, this in the heat of the summer. Weird stuff. I even ended up in the ER at 2AM one morning. I woke up feeling like I couldn't breathe, which is a common side affect of this particular drug. I told Kimberly she should call 911 just to make sure I don't kick the bucket in the middle of the night. In only a few minutes we had 5 guys in my bedroom at 1:30AM! The fire/rescue squad showed up along with an ambulance. Needless to say, my neighbors were freaking out over what was happening. My next door neighbor told me days later that "you couldn't have been that bad off because you were wearing a baseball hat when they wheeled you to the ambulance." He was right, and I didn't even remember putting on a hat to hide my bed-head hairdo. Blame it on chemo-brain...

The latest revision took away the previously mentioned drug and added a different one. The oncologist told me they would do 3 more treatments and scan me again to check the progress. Well, the first 2 treatments went off without a hitch. When I showed up 2 Monday's ago for the 3rd treatment, they said my white cell counts were down and they asked if I would be upset if they delayed treatment for a week. This is similar to asking a 3 year old if she wants some candy, ice cream, and a soda, all at once. When my doc asked me this I told her I would gladly give her a kiss, to which she respectfully refused . I felt like I was being paroled from prison! The same thing happened again this Monday, 2 days ago. My white cell counts are down even lower, so now there is cause for concern. Wear a mask and gloves in public, avoid contact with anyone, etc. So....I'm housebound for a few days. They are giving me injections that should boost the bone marrow to produce more white blood cells. Man, if it isn't one thing it's another...this coupled with the fact that I'm starting to loose my hair. This is an expected side affect from the latest chemo drug, something that wasn't a concern with the previous chemo drugs. Frankly, I could care less about loosing my hair. I don't like jewelry, and I certainly don't care about how my hair looks. Bald is fine w/me. My wife said to wait to shave my head because it would scare our 10 year old. Being the man-knucklehead that I am, I promptly asked Brookie if she wanted to help me shave my head because my hair was falling out. YES! That would be cool! was her response. So much for concern here, eh??? Kids are so resilient.

I never thought I would ever say this, but I now know that cancer has been the best thing that could ever happen to me. A month ago I wouldn't have said this. But something has changed in me over the last few weeks. Craig's death this week, some recent sermons in church, the undeniable thought that NO ONE is guaranteed tomorrow, and so on and so on. We don't know when our life ticket will be revoked. I fully realized this in church last Sunday. During the sermon, I noticed a daily meditation in my bible entitled "Gratitude". The author of this piece reveals some very relevant tidbits. Now to put on my preachers hat...Thank God for everything and everyone sent your way. Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It turns problems into gifts, failures into successes, the unexpected into perfect timing, and mistakes into important events. Gratitude makes things right. Say thank you until you mean it. If you say it long enough you will believe it. How true it is.

Don't loose focus on the important things in your life. Your family, your faith, the people that love you regardless of how messy thing can get. Think about how we normally go thru our day. A cell phone to one ear, the kids screaming in the background, the stress of your job...you get the jist. For me, the crusty exterior has been removed. The things that I stressed out about months ago and long gone from my memory, much less my stress level. The fringe stuff just isn't worth the anxiety. I've learned to be thankful - expressing gratitude - for everything in my life. Let's face it...you can think you are in control of your own destiny. Reality says it's all in God's hands, not mine or yours. That being said, I'm rolling thru life with a smile on my face and some faith in my pocket. Ain't life grand?

Till next time...Brian.